Mar. 8th, 2011

[identity profile] lslaw.livejournal.com
It's always a struggle; I'm not sure if anyone but Hjärta really understands how much.

I used to think of it as me against him and, for a while, I almost won. After what 'he' did to Hjärta I was merciless; I beat him down until he was barely breathing, crushed him into the mud and... Well, and nothing.

There was no sense of triumph, no rush of victory; not then, not afterwards. I wandered about in a daze, barely doing anything unless I was told to.

Because 'he' is me; always was, always will be. His drives, his cruelty, his hunger are all mine. Without him I am generous and giving and gentle, and without him I am really boring.

It is the shadow in me that makes me kick when I'm down, makes me buck against the harness, makes me act instead of react.

Am I one being? Two? Three? I don't know. That's for more philosophical souls than mine.

So yes; I always feel the gnaw inside me and I always will, but I will fight it. In the end, the struggle is only against myself, but it is the struggle, not the victory, that makes me who I am.
[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_crimsonearth/
For [livejournal.com profile] hardwired  - though I guess this touches on a bunch of other people too. :)

[Edit: I decided since at this rate, there might be too many to read them all, I should flag them up to the people who they might interest - so, also - [livejournal.com profile] bakela666 :) ]

Why Winter cries. )
[identity profile] lslaw.livejournal.com
Walk with Lily and Nef in the park. Puppy runs fast; always lively. Lily smiles, happy.

Sit, let her run with puppy. Watch. Want. Wait. Rise; walk away from joy, follow scent of misery.

Ghost waits under tree, where she died. See the stain. Know she has crossed line; just fear, but crossing the line. Pull on the Shroud.

Later, Lily runs back; finds me, smiling. Nef runs after.

"You look tired." She kisses me, gentle, lets me nip, gentle. "You've been burning the candle at both ends."

I shrug. Weary from the struggle, but can't explain.

Walk home, standing close.

Under tree, ghost waits, hurting. Just fear; no need to destroy. Call Kate, perhaps.

See another on the way home. Shadow of a wall. Was a man, scent of plasm across the line.

Come back later. For now, with Lily, just walking, but duty never ends.
[identity profile] mionassmaster.livejournal.com

Liam awoke and rolled over a little, crunching the remnants of last years leaves under him as he turned.  It was getting dark when he woke and he was thirsty.

"Where am I?"  Liam thought.  Then he remembered the dream...It was a song...Calling him somewhere...Somewhere near...

Liam stood up and glided his way out from under the bush he had slept under, deftly avoiding any obstacles in his path.  As he reached the road side he reached up and took off the mask...The one John-Jay Smith gave him...The one that made him disappear...The world seemed to rush in at him as he stepped back fully into reality, even in the gathering dark things seemed bright and real.

He looked up and down the road trying to decide where to go, and then he heard it again, that song calling him.  He had to follow...

As he approached the building he knew who were inside...Others like him...He hated others like him.  They reminded him of what he was constantly, made him feel his past ever so keenly...Like a blade being pressed at his throat all the time.

The song was loud now...Begging him....Leading him...Luring him....As he stepped through the door into the building the song stopped, he was back and everyone was looking at him.

[identity profile] thelorax42.livejournal.com
Galehaut was a spring courtier. He tried to remember it. He wanted to be the strong right hand to the paragons, serving their will and receiving their holy wisdom, comforting them when their difficult paths brought them pain, as they always, always did.

He was a spring courtier. But he knew he would never stand as high in his patron's affections as Rose, shy and gentle, or the Lady Astraea, whose desires had just last night carried her on a carnal tide. He did not follow the core emotion of the court, desire, not like Rose, to be an object of desire and to make others desires come true, nor like Astraea, who sought after her own, or so it seemed these days. No, he followed hope, giving it to others, and kindling it to a flame where it was, so that they would find a place in the world and a way of tomorrow being worth today's troubles.

So it was that he held some suspicion of the dawn court. Whilst he believed in their goals, he saw no need for them to be outside his own vernal court. Dawn courtiers could be fine, noble men and women, with their hope and sacrifice, but deep down Galehaut wished that the ivy of a spring mantle grew around them.

So it was with further suspicion he looked down on the token on the floor. A sign of the dawn court, and part of some intrigue, it had changed his Brother's mantle to the court of dawn's. But now he needed to wear it, to help Sir Lucan in a task for another. A simple lie of mantle, for a moment. He pinned it on, and activated it.

... and was hit by a wave of raw and burning emotion, tingling fingers to toes with the blessed assurance that the world could be set right, the burning certainty that with work and sacrifice the darkness in the world could be banished and righteousness shine like a beacon over the land.
He laughed, long and loud and joyous, relishing this perfect moment when all doubt and fear had faded, and looking into his brothers worried eyes.

is this what being a dawn courtier feels like? Is this how they live? Is this how being part of a court you are truly in tune with felt? he wondered for an idle moment, then he remembered.

I am a spring courtier, the strong right hand to the paragons, serving their will and receiving their holy wisdom, comforting them when their difficult paths brought them pain. I have a duty, and I want to fulfill it. I will follow my desires, for I am a spring courtier

It wasn't until later he was sure he had been right.
[identity profile] thelorax42.livejournal.com
It had been a long, long tiring night. Dizzy with drink and with the cloying glamour of desire, my head was already beginning to spin a little when I came in from the cold of the world outside to the freehold's warmth.

Came in to a scene of emotional devastation, and unbelievable tales of Satrap Sam rising from he grave, and the heartbroken face of my dear friend. So of course I did what I could to cheer her up. My beloved lady had given me permission to go to my friend again, and it seemed just in time.

A little music was easy to set up, and Phoenix and I were dancing to it, to the amusement of the ladies. Before long I could tell that Rose wanted to dance, to be cheered up. Waiting for a while for the desire to take hold, I offer her a hand and haul her up to the dance floor.

It's fun. I love dancing, and I like dancing with Rose. But she's a hell of a lot drunker than usual, and she's stumbling across the floor at times. Can't really blame her, given the circumstances.

Before long she stumbles, and I catch her and she clings on, dancing close and slow. The whole world seems to slow down, and I know I'm doing something wrong by mistake, even if nothing's going to happen.

So, about time for some truth, yeah? I've got a bit of a thing for Rose. Nothing serious, I don't love her, or not like that, not like I do my Adrianne. But it's her nature and duty in spring to be desired. And so she is, even if I don't admit to it anymore. Even to myself when it's any time except like this, with her this close to me, soft and fragrant in my arms. Even now I hide it, we'll only hurt ourselves and others otherwise, and not all desires should be fulfilled. I dance with her and think of my lady, and the promise of love I gave to her.

So when later, Rose drunkenly started mumbling some things about me entirely too distinctly, and I could hear her convincing herself step by step not to try and kiss me, and telling herself she wanted to, well, let's just say I was glad she won the argument not to.

Better yet, let's just not talk about it. Some desires should not be fulfilled.
[identity profile] sisterkenna.livejournal.com
Dancing. I always dream of dancing. I always have done and it would be weird not to. Before I dreamt of dancing with Moorcroft. I know why that was. Because he was my friend and I spent time with him. I had never spent so much time with one person before since Carol.

But now... Who is it in my dream? I dream of him every night. Who is it? Why is it him? Why can't I shake it when I'm awake? I really need to. I must concentrate. I really must. It took me months to get this part. I need to focus and now I can't.

I have never been any good at working out my dreams. I feel so safe in his arms, so happy. I wish I could feel it when I'm awake. He is so strong and such a good dancer.  It makes me wish I was asleep all the time so I could be there in his arms.

This is really bad. I don't know what to do. It scares me. Dr Breeds might have been able to help me, but he's gone now.

I don't know what to do.

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