[Lost] - Inside (March Challenge)

[lslaw.livejournal.com]

It's always a struggle; I'm not sure if anyone but Hjärta really understands how much.

I used to think of it as me against him and, for a while, I almost won. After what 'he' did to Hjärta I was merciless; I beat him down until he was barely breathing, crushed him into the mud and... Well, and nothing.

There was no sense of triumph, no rush of victory; not then, not afterwards. I wandered about in a daze, barely doing anything unless I was told to.

Because 'he' is me; always was, always will be. His drives, his cruelty, his hunger are all mine. Without him I am generous and giving and gentle, and without him I am really boring.

It is the shadow in me that makes me kick when I'm down, makes me buck against the harness, makes me act instead of react.

Am I one being? Two? Three? I don't know. That's for more philosophical souls than mine.

So yes; I always feel the gnaw inside me and I always will, but I will fight it. In the end, the struggle is only against myself, but it is the struggle, not the victory, that makes me who I am.