[Lost] What if I'm evil?

[akonken.livejournal.com]

What if I'm evil?

The thought, once in existence, wouldn't go away. She couldn't think of anything else, the question just echoing in her mind over and over. She was 7 hours into the 11 hour drive when the sick feeling hit, the quintessential wrongness she couldn't explain. She gasped and veered dangerously, upsetting a driver in the next lane before pulling shakily into a layby.

She turned off the engine and opened the driver's side door, stumbling out into the gravel. The small rocks stung her knees through her jeans as the roar of the traffic shook her back into her body. She curled up, hugging her knees with her back against the frame of the car. She was dimly aware of the bell saying the door was still open.

What she'd done was wrong. She knew it. She knew it when she'd heard that silky voice on the phone, when she'd been unable to look Drago in the eye, when she'd felt Aria's soft skin against her own cold hands, when she saw Sam's face, when Rosie was in a ball on the floor in front of her, when Dominic asked that horrible question and she'd given her sickening answer. Every step she took, determined to do the right thing, part of her screamed that she was wrong.

She didn't feel any different now.

That wasn't true. She felt worse now. Especially right now, the sudden churning in her gut. She realised she hadn't eaten since breakfast again, another splash of guilt joining the first. It was another promise broken, and so soon. She'd broken so many promises, betrayed so many people. She didn't know how they would speak to her again, much less trust her.

"Love is the devil," Rex Black had said, and what good was she for except love? And what had she done but destroy lives? What had she done but hurt every person she'd ever cared about?

She wanted to stop hurting them, but she didn't know how. What should she do? What could she do?

She would try helping where she could, when she could. And she would give them what they wanted when she could.

That would help. Wouldn't it? Maybe it would make up for things a little?

Comments

[akonken.livejournal.com]

Unless it's "yes," she's not likely to listen. ;)

[colonel-maxim.livejournal.com]

About a 50/50 chance, I reckon.