Inspired by Sally - it's all her fault.

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

Most of the time I can ignore the empty space inside. There’s so many things to do; patrolling the territory; sitting on council committee meetings; occasionally running about Dartmoor trying to find one small child without attracting the Balehounds. Even on the normal days I’m likely to have skirted round the wound; listened to a song on the underground and found myself doodling obscure scripts whilst trying to stay awake as some chauvinistic retard pontificates about how the source of all ills is a teenager who’s had the temerity to try to get schooling whilst pregnant.

I day dream about shifting in front of him, of pacing towards him and looking into terrified eyes and making him run as I chase him down. Instead I settle for glaring at him until his speech stumbles and stutters to a halt, and then approving the application for funding.

Keeping busy is what we do; as a pack; as a people. Harmony keeps muttering about wanting to stay in shape, Jay watches her with a paternalistic eye and Xenophon and I are carefully polite to each other. I can’t help but think that Xenophon approves of the fact that Harmony has found herself a nice young wolf blooded and is currently ensuring that there’s a next generation. He never says anything, but there’s a consideration for her condition that colours his actions.

Goodness known what he’d do if I actually had a relationship nowadays. I suspect even he would notice if there was someone in my life. Mind you, he didn’t say anything when I was kissing my PA that day. Maybe he just doesn’t care.

But occasionally things make me realise that there’s an empty hole in my life. I’ll find something random of hers left behind like a scarf; or catch a scent on the air that reminds me of her. Or something stupid will happen like last week, when one of the new temps was washing up and she broke the mug She gave me so many years ago. Only the handle; but it still took every ounce of self control not to scream and smack the poor woman when she came to apologise and offer to buy me a replacement. Instead I accept the apology and agree to a replacement; and if people think I’m a bit weird to then take the mug out of the bin; find some superglue and repair it then I don’t care.

It’s on my desk now, with a plant in it as an explanation of why I’m not throwing away a piece of china. Just one more mystery about the slightly worrying woman on the third floor I guess. Next day a secretary shoves a recycling poster on the wall, and there’s a request for better recycling facilities.

Then there was Rio. Dammit, she’s married (to a werewolf), and a mum, and very obviously straight, but I found myself spilling out secrets as though there was no tomorrow. I should have known better. I should do my duty to the uratha and find a nice wolf blooded man (who won’t actually want you know, the sex part of making a child), or just accept that I’m destined to be single for the rest of my life. Single, childless and careerless as I can’t quite imagine an uratha in the Houses of Parliament keeping their temper for more than five minutes into Prime Minister’s Question Time; irrespective of which side of the House they’re sitting.

So most of the time I ignore the empty space. She was uratha and we’d have destroyed each other. It’s better this way; it’s the right way to be. I’ll keep on doing what I’m supposed to be doing, and hope that no one listens to the times in the night when the empty space is all that I am.

Comments

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Oh this is sweet! Poor lass. I really like this.

And it does remind me that I do need to get in touch with your Uratha. Rio wants to take you up on the offer of an intro with your Mum.

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

:o)

I've come to the conclusion that at the moment the most intact character I haev is the one with suicidal tendancies (my mage); closely followed by the one that shot her husband and sister (my new Spring Lost), and the cannibal.

What this says about my characters I'm not sure.

[suave-steve.livejournal.com]

At least Janesca had a relationship once...

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

Mal had to have at least one at one point.

And it has the added bonus of not having been with an uratha.

[suave-steve.livejournal.com]

No that was a one night stand. There is a difference.

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

Ok a short relationship.

(Alternatively we have uratha super sperm what with Mal and Xenophon.)