Goodbye Carrie

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Time to go, Carrie

The thought flutters through my brain like a butterfly. It's light and delicate. It doesn't hurt to be there, but it won't go away either. Whenever I'm quiet, whenever I'm at rest, it comes back again.

Time to go.

I ignored it at first. I put it down to being miserable over Daniel (who is a lying little shit who never calls) or maybe just missing Quinn and Ceilidh. I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling and reminded myself of the reasons to stay; Eliza and Sasha, a new covenant, a bunch of new people to hang out with, the horrific vengeance I need to visit upon Danny 12 Gauge and anyone who's name contains the word 'Leferriere'.

But the thought wouldn't go away. It kept nagging at me, in all my quieter moments.

Eliza and Sasha, after all, don't need me anymore. They've been clear enough about that for some time. Eliza is settling down in her own world, rich with mortal companionship. Some day she'll turn around and call me again, but right now she's doing well. Sasha seems to have moved on entirely and likes to pretend he was never a Chance. He's an Invictus now; posh boy with a dick down his throat and a dozen years to spend on his knees. He doesn't need a scruffy little girl with an armful of old scars and a cheap motorbike to remind him where he came from.

So that didn't quiet those thoughts.

The new covenant kept me a little longer, but the more I thought about it, the less it seemed to make sense either. Why had I joined the Carthians anyway? Increased combat capability and a lack of anything better to do. Yeah, there was no call to stick around for them, and frankly, they made me feel like a bit of a cliché anyway; a troubled little girl in a leather jacket who hits hard? What kind of stereotype is that in the Carthians?

So, those thoughts got louder.

As for bloody vengeance, that was a long term project, up there with killing everyone that Daniel Crawford has ever loved. I mean, I could do both of them, but it would take time, and it wouldn't happen tomorrow. A bit of me was tempted to let them be, let them think I'd forgotten and then take them when they were vulnerable instead of being as fucking impregnable as they seemed to be. But maybe that was just weakness. Maybe that was the same inner voice whispering to me as the one that told me it is time.

That was when I realized I'd stopped ignoring the thought. I'd started defending myself against it instead, arguing with it. It wasn't going away.

Then the letter from Mikhail arrived.

It was written in a cramped and unschooled hand. Guess Mikhail never was much cop at writing. Me neither, come to think of it. Guess that's why we got on so well. I skim read it a couple of times, picking out the bits that mattered.

Pandanadu,
Kerala,
India

I remember Kerala. I remember the scent of blossoms on the breeze and the freshness in the air after the rains. And just reading that tugged at my heartstrings.

...I was kipping in Palamedes' vault and thinking about faith and I realised I'd never asked you about yours, although I'd meant to...

...been meditating up in the temple; found a few answers and a lot of questions, none of which really match, so I'm going to tour the holy sites and see what else I can find...

...so, I've got me some faith now. Not sure what sort of form it's going to end up in, but it's... interesting. That's what I'm trying to find out; what I believe in. Funny even to think I might believe in something...

He sounds like me, a decade or more ago, and I ached so much it hurt when I read that. And finally, and the end...

Priazhunia,

Family. It's a thing, yeah?

Yes. It is. And that was when I realized that Mikhail, who is my family after all, is probably the only one of them who needs me now. Oh, he maybe doesn't realize that he does, but he does. And I need him too.

Time to go Carrie that voice whispers to me on the breeze and I realize that I'm not even trying to argue with it anymore.

I don't bother packing my bags.

I just leave.