[identity profile] lslaw.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] writing_shadows
I wish that I could know what you would make of my life. I don't know if you see me, if you hear me; if your smile in the mirror is really just in my mind. If you see me, do you see the blood on my hands, and what does that mean to you?

Do you know that I killed your cousins?

Do you know that I hunted and killed the men who killed you? That I killed and hurt anyone who got in my way? That I became all the things you loved me for not being?

What would happen if you were cut from this necklace? Am I enough to keep you here? Would you even know me? Is there anything else that could bind you, and if not where would you go? Dragged down into nothing or passed on?

I wish I could know.

It has been almost two years since I lost you; since you died for me. Two years since I held you, but I remember the feel of you still, as I remember your smile; maybe that's why I see it in the mirror. I remember the sound of your voice and your laugh; of your breath, soft and even, tickling the side of my neck in the night.

And I remember how much yo wanted to get away from the crime, the killing; how you struggled with the contradiction between that and always wanting to be close to your family.

I think that you would have hated to see me come to this. I hope that you would not hate me.

I'm not sure what you would have made of my friends either; certainly not the circles you'd recognise from Cambridge. Well, apart from Alma of course; dear Alma. She's much the same; still pretty thoroughly in the closet, but at least she knows where she is now. She's sort of my conscience, although I'm not sure she knows it.

If not for her, I'd be a lot more like Alex and Gideon, and as it is I'm as much a killer as either of them.

Alex I doubt you'd approve of. You were always trying to get me to brighten up and she makes me look like a bundle of laughs even now. She's also a cop who executes unpunished criminals, so she's got that against her with you. Gideon bought the knuckle duster I was killed with, first time out, which was... odd.

Peter... well, he's more a friend of Alma, and I doubt you'd get him. I'm not sure I do.

Juniper, I don't think you'd have got on with. I think if anyone can help to free you, it's her, but you never had that much time for the new age. Hell; I didn't either, but I know it works now. I've learned to do some remarkable things, but it's nothing to what I can achieve working with her, and Alma, and Perdita.

I think you would have liked Perdita, but that might just be because she sort of reminds me of myself: the same nervous energy; the way she barely seems to fit in her own skin until she finds the moment and just clicks. All of the little things that you liked about me; although maybe you only liked them in me.

Overall though, I don't think you'd have cared for my friends much. I can't say that you would have liked this me much, which is what really makes me sad.

But then, if you were with me, I wouldn't be this way; and I never would have been like this without you.

I shall put out the candles now and we'll go to mass. After, I'll talk to you again and hope that you can hear.

Merry Cristmas, Theresa. I love you so much.

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