A message to you, RUDV

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RUDV,

We meet again, my nemesis. Well, we do not meet in terms of actual meeting, or indeed any other way. And it’s hardly like you can read this, for I doubt you have yet mastered the linguistic skills to hark the glorious tones of the English language! Or have you? My word, now there’s a conundrum that will keep me awake at night: your sending of your verminious hordes forth into the cool night of this Sceptered Isle to scuttle and spy! What devious wiles are you up to, you plague-bearing rodent filth? Hmm? What monstrous plans are you hatching in the wainscoating of country squires and forthright gentlemen? Answer me, you pellet-producing broodmaking mammalian summation of evil!

So, why am I writing to you, villainous rogue? Why express my enmity for you, the Moriarty of the urban pest environment? I shall tell you, though I doubt your scheming, multi-headed countenance shall grasp it. I am an Englishman, and above all, an Englishman acts with honour and fair play. Nelson sailed in column, displaying to Boney's French and Spanish tars his intent to enter a pall mall at Trafalgar; Churchill told Jerry of the D-Day landings when he said he would fight him on beaches; Rourke’s Drift flew the British flag in defiance of the might of the Zulu nation. It would be unsporting, not cricket, not to give you a chance to respond.

Know this, Rodent of Unusual and Disproportionate Volume, Rattus Rattus Rex, the Rat King, the hideous hydra of rodent world. I am coming for you. One day, we shall meet again. And I, Michael Falcon Batman, OBE, shall be victorious. For I fight in the name of science, humanity, and for the glory of Her Majesty. And you are nothing more than a creepy rat-tree-thing with squeaky heads.

Michael F. Batman OBE
CEO, Batman Enterprises (and subsidiaries Kitty Nibbles, Foxton Pest Control, and Brooklyn Plunger Corp.)
Director, British Cryptozoological Survey
President, Cambridge Fortean Society

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