Contact avoidance

[akonken.livejournal.com]

Rose hadn’t slept in three days.

Tonight she was trying to read Catch 22, but it was incredibly hard to concentrate. She must have read the same sentence twenty times without really reading it. Finally she put the book down and sighed, tucking her knees up to her chin.

She was surprised how easy it was to deal with the rest; since she’d spoken to Spring each new burden was hard but bearable. Even Witte’s death was already a dull ache instead of the stabbing pain it would have been if it had happened a few months ago. She would get better.

Her problem was that this wasn’t a burden, exactly. This was only an issue in her mind, and she knew that. She just didn’t know what to do about it.

The experience hadn’t been painful, just invasive. The men had been clinical and professional as they examined her; she knew that she shouldn’t feel ashamed, or at least she knew that if people knew what happened, they would tell her so.

But she also knew how vivid her dream had been that night, how their cold touch had become his, how much she wanted it, and wanted more of it.

And even though she knew it was a dream, even though she knew that Witte had said that this was normal and natural, that she wasn’t bad, it seemed impossible to face anyone. Even the children at school, who couldn’t begin to understand, even they seemed to look at her differently.

And that’s why it was so hard, letting people near her, being around them. She felt the strangest certainty that if they got close enough they would know, really know, that they would feel the difference in her and judge her for it.

She nibbled her lip, picking the book back up off of her nightstand. All she had to do was not have that dream again and stay away from everyone until…she didn’t know until what, but until something. And then it would be okay.

She just hoped that something happened before the party…

Comments

[becky-spence.livejournal.com]

Catch 22 is a horrible book to get into, no wonder her mind was wandering :)