Freaky Friday: Rio/Helen
Feb. 8th, 2011 11:21 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
annwfyn.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
writing_shadows"Hi Ian."
Fuck. I sound posh. With an effort of will I manage to force a touch of estuary into it.
"It's me. Only...not the me you think. This ain't Helen. Which you should bloody well know, because when did Helen ever say 'ain't'.
"Look. I know this is going to sound incredible. I mean, more incredible than the really unconvincing physics inherent in the whole process of shapeshifting. Which is, now I come to think of it, really really hard to get your head around. Where does the extra mass go?"
OK, getting distracted now. Don't get distracted, Rio. Focus.
"Anyway, that's not what I called about. This isn't Helen, although I know it might sound like her. This is Rio.
"No...no...listen. Don't hang up. Um. When you get this message, that is. Don't hang up halfway through. I know that you think this is bollocks because I'm guessing you've seen Rio quite recently. And from the way your phone has been switched off all day, she...I mean...I have probably been...
"...look. I'm not going to tiptoe around this.
"There's some kind of weird body swap going on right now. And at the moment, I'm in Helen's body and she's in mine."
Yeah. It sounded better in my head. It occurs to me briefly that maybe this wouldn't be a surprise. Maybe Helen had already explained the whole situation to him and they have just been...
...OK. I won't dwell on this. Back to the total insanity of the current situation.
"Now, I look this sounds weird, but you must have noticed something is weird. If only because I bet I've not phoned you up to bitch at you for the last three days, and when did I go that long without being a cow at you before?
"It all started two days ago when I woke up as Holly. If you saw me that day you might have noticed that I was..."
So, what would the biggest differences have been between me and Holly? What is she likely to have done if she woke up in my body?
"...being a fucking psycho."
Um. As sales pitches go, that probably isn't going to convince anyone.
"OK. So maybe that's not a sign of anything. But yesterday...did you see me yesterday? I mean, I know I said I'd bring you Baileys and porn to stop you going batshit crazy penned up in the house. But I don't know if I turned up, or not.
"You see, yesterday I wasn't me either. I wasn't Holly either. Although I did have quite a good day as Holly. I threw a severed head at Jay Pathfinder. I have always wanted to do that. But then I went to sleep and when I woke up I was Karei.
"I guess if you did see me yesterday I was an awful lot nicer than normal, right? Better dressed? Less make up, and a tendency to say 'I see'? That wasn't me. That was Kay.
"And before you ask, I bloody well didn't. I wanted to, OK. I wanted to more than anything and I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but it turns out that I actually do have some bloody morals after all. Plus, I couldn't think of anything more creepy than my first time with Jonah being because he thought I was actually his Japanese fiancee. I mean, aside from the whole non-consensual thing, which isn't exactly sexy, it didn't really work with all those teenage dreams. So I pretended..."
Um. I didn't really pretend much, did I? I mean, I think an alarmed yelp of 'bathroom' isn't exactly a very advanced cover story. But admitting that I actually ran away from Jonah Wolfman with Karei's nightie hoiked up around my thighs just sounds pathetic.
"...it doesn't matter what happened. But anyway, I spent yesterday being Karei. And then this morning..."
This morning was about as weird as it has ever gotten. First of all, I found out that Helen has a load of old school Babylonian symbols of protection written in blood on her wall. Human blood as well, her nose tells me. Now, Helen has never struck me as a blood ritual kind of girl. So what the fuck were they doing there?
It really wasn't an auspicious start to the day. It even threw the discovery that she had a very well worn copy of the abridged 'Romeo and Juliet' by her bed into the shade. Gotta admit, I was pretty badly thrown by the 'abridged' bit. She did, to be fair, have the full version on her shelf, along with 'Jane Eyre', 'Wuthering Heights' and three books of Victorian love poetry.
It explained a lot.
Anyway, get your head in gear, Rio. Remember you're on the bloody phone.
"...well, I woke up as Helen."
There wss a moment's pause as I tried to work out what to say, and how to politely say 'and I wanted to check you hadn't accidentally now had sex with your sister,' because that was the kind of thing I say that is almost guaranteed to send Ian into some kind of snarling fury at me.
Instead I come out with "so I figured I ought to phone up and find out whether you'd shagged your sister yet,"
I wasn't sure if leaving out the word 'accidentally' would make it better or worse.
There was a longer pause. Shit. What was I meant to say now.
"Um. Yeah. Anyway. If you have, then you freak me out even more than you did before. If you didn't, and if you want to give me a call..."
Another thought flickers through my mind.
"...if you're even you. And not someone else. And if you are someone else, do you want to give me a call anyway? Because man do we need to talk..."
Fuck. I sound posh. With an effort of will I manage to force a touch of estuary into it.
"It's me. Only...not the me you think. This ain't Helen. Which you should bloody well know, because when did Helen ever say 'ain't'.
"Look. I know this is going to sound incredible. I mean, more incredible than the really unconvincing physics inherent in the whole process of shapeshifting. Which is, now I come to think of it, really really hard to get your head around. Where does the extra mass go?"
OK, getting distracted now. Don't get distracted, Rio. Focus.
"Anyway, that's not what I called about. This isn't Helen, although I know it might sound like her. This is Rio.
"No...no...listen. Don't hang up. Um. When you get this message, that is. Don't hang up halfway through. I know that you think this is bollocks because I'm guessing you've seen Rio quite recently. And from the way your phone has been switched off all day, she...I mean...I have probably been...
"...look. I'm not going to tiptoe around this.
"There's some kind of weird body swap going on right now. And at the moment, I'm in Helen's body and she's in mine."
Yeah. It sounded better in my head. It occurs to me briefly that maybe this wouldn't be a surprise. Maybe Helen had already explained the whole situation to him and they have just been...
...OK. I won't dwell on this. Back to the total insanity of the current situation.
"Now, I look this sounds weird, but you must have noticed something is weird. If only because I bet I've not phoned you up to bitch at you for the last three days, and when did I go that long without being a cow at you before?
"It all started two days ago when I woke up as Holly. If you saw me that day you might have noticed that I was..."
So, what would the biggest differences have been between me and Holly? What is she likely to have done if she woke up in my body?
"...being a fucking psycho."
Um. As sales pitches go, that probably isn't going to convince anyone.
"OK. So maybe that's not a sign of anything. But yesterday...did you see me yesterday? I mean, I know I said I'd bring you Baileys and porn to stop you going batshit crazy penned up in the house. But I don't know if I turned up, or not.
"You see, yesterday I wasn't me either. I wasn't Holly either. Although I did have quite a good day as Holly. I threw a severed head at Jay Pathfinder. I have always wanted to do that. But then I went to sleep and when I woke up I was Karei.
"I guess if you did see me yesterday I was an awful lot nicer than normal, right? Better dressed? Less make up, and a tendency to say 'I see'? That wasn't me. That was Kay.
"And before you ask, I bloody well didn't. I wanted to, OK. I wanted to more than anything and I'm not going to pretend otherwise, but it turns out that I actually do have some bloody morals after all. Plus, I couldn't think of anything more creepy than my first time with Jonah being because he thought I was actually his Japanese fiancee. I mean, aside from the whole non-consensual thing, which isn't exactly sexy, it didn't really work with all those teenage dreams. So I pretended..."
Um. I didn't really pretend much, did I? I mean, I think an alarmed yelp of 'bathroom' isn't exactly a very advanced cover story. But admitting that I actually ran away from Jonah Wolfman with Karei's nightie hoiked up around my thighs just sounds pathetic.
"...it doesn't matter what happened. But anyway, I spent yesterday being Karei. And then this morning..."
This morning was about as weird as it has ever gotten. First of all, I found out that Helen has a load of old school Babylonian symbols of protection written in blood on her wall. Human blood as well, her nose tells me. Now, Helen has never struck me as a blood ritual kind of girl. So what the fuck were they doing there?
It really wasn't an auspicious start to the day. It even threw the discovery that she had a very well worn copy of the abridged 'Romeo and Juliet' by her bed into the shade. Gotta admit, I was pretty badly thrown by the 'abridged' bit. She did, to be fair, have the full version on her shelf, along with 'Jane Eyre', 'Wuthering Heights' and three books of Victorian love poetry.
It explained a lot.
Anyway, get your head in gear, Rio. Remember you're on the bloody phone.
"...well, I woke up as Helen."
There wss a moment's pause as I tried to work out what to say, and how to politely say 'and I wanted to check you hadn't accidentally now had sex with your sister,' because that was the kind of thing I say that is almost guaranteed to send Ian into some kind of snarling fury at me.
Instead I come out with "so I figured I ought to phone up and find out whether you'd shagged your sister yet,"
I wasn't sure if leaving out the word 'accidentally' would make it better or worse.
There was a longer pause. Shit. What was I meant to say now.
"Um. Yeah. Anyway. If you have, then you freak me out even more than you did before. If you didn't, and if you want to give me a call..."
Another thought flickers through my mind.
"...if you're even you. And not someone else. And if you are someone else, do you want to give me a call anyway? Because man do we need to talk..."
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