[Requiem] The lesser of evils
Jan. 27th, 2011 03:55 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
http://users.livejournal.com/_crimsonearth/ posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
writing_shadows“I would pack up my life tomorrow and start again, somewhere else, from nothing, if it meant the difference between getting to keep you, and risking losing you.”
Darcy tilted her hip against the doorframe and surveyed the room, eyes dulled. She had somewhere else to be. All these Kindred – she didn’t give a damn about any of them. That precocious little Lance, with her wicked smile and her Catholic-school-girl outfit who had dared to try and summon her outside, ‘just to play’. Danny Kovacs: Prince, hypocrite, pretending there was a shred of humanity left in him. Alex Fuller, who had looked on as others rifled through her mind. Kenna: Aaron Davies’ unfortunate prey, too pretty and too young and naïve to understand anything that wasn’t forced upon her. Valentine: rebuilding bridges with her on a foundation of betrayal, one tentative step at a time. A table full of Carthians who talked big but acted small.
“You’re a powerful woman.”
“You’re very domineering. I’m not used to being put in my place.”
“You’re looking particularly beautiful tonight.”
“One date. Just one.”
“Fine. You want to play games? I’ll play.”
She scowled. Screw you. Screw the lot of you. She lifted her chin. She had a cause, she had a calling, she had a purpose. She, more than anyone, had Faith, and hers was not some idle dream of a God who did not answer prayers, but a vision; a truth. As tangible and irresistible and undeniable as the open wounds that hid beneath those gloves and that choker.
But I would, she thought with a sudden gentleness. I’ve seen the Plan, I know what I must do here, to shape the world as it is meant to be and yet… I would. I would get in my car right now and leave it all behind, walk away from my family, from my friends, from my Domain, from my destiny… just to be with him. I would gladly travel to the ends of the earth and lose myself in him.
She had always had a plan for her death; every Child of Judas does. It’s one of those things that you don’t discuss, but you each know to be true. No Child of Judas dies at someone else’s whim, if they can possibly help it. They have a plan to take their own life first; to commit suicide a second time. That is just… the way of it.
But… she had never really had a plan for her life. She played a part in a greater Plan, of course, but that was not the same. Every possible path, every connection yet to be made; it was still within her grasp to alter the course of the future, to spit in the eye of Fate, to be one of the ones to choose the paths and destinies of others. She had been gifted something beautiful and rare, and so she was expected to play God with the unlives of Kindred and the lives of Kine, but with what insight? With what wisdom?
I don’t want to be special anymore, she mused with a heavy heart. Not if it will drive us apart. Her eyes drifted back across the room, wandering over each and every one of them. Some were part of the Plan. Some were not.
“One of these days, you're not going to make it back to me! You can't do that! You can't keep dancing with death... I -- I can't lose you. I don't know how.”
Not much longer. She would keep up the pretence for another half an hour, perhaps; wear the mask and pretend to be Madame Minister Darcy Blake, Primogen and Prince’s Harpy. Then she would steal away, back into his arms, and be just Darcy. His Darcy.
“I would try to be anything you wanted me to be, you know?”
He wouldn’t change her for the world, he had said, and yet she was changing for him. Every night. Perhaps he didn’t see that. But every night it was still His Darcy behind closed doors. None of you see me, she thought, her eyes glazing over. None of you know me.
She felt the cold, hard muscle of her heart squeeze tight within her chest.
But then. Neither does he.
I am his, he is mine, nothing is a lie for him. But he does not know, yet, everything that I am and have been.
And when he finally does… he might not want me anymore. The thought sank through her like lead.
But I would, she thought again. In a breath and a heartbeat, I would gladly travel to the ends of the earth for him, though I have neither left to give.
I can’t tell him. Her head span. I can’t risk losing him.
I won’t.
“You’re being very quiet, Madame Darcy.” Alex Fuller: always quick to jump down her throat at every cutting remark, every acerbic put-down, every petty squabble. Alex Fuller: wondering at her quietness, suspicious of her gentleness, thrown by her dwindling ferocity.
“We’ve a lot of new faces at Court. I’m keeping an eye on the room,” she lied. “Someone has to.”
I won’t lose him.
Even if it means lying to him.
Even if that’s what it takes to keep him.
I won’t.
Darcy tilted her hip against the doorframe and surveyed the room, eyes dulled. She had somewhere else to be. All these Kindred – she didn’t give a damn about any of them. That precocious little Lance, with her wicked smile and her Catholic-school-girl outfit who had dared to try and summon her outside, ‘just to play’. Danny Kovacs: Prince, hypocrite, pretending there was a shred of humanity left in him. Alex Fuller, who had looked on as others rifled through her mind. Kenna: Aaron Davies’ unfortunate prey, too pretty and too young and naïve to understand anything that wasn’t forced upon her. Valentine: rebuilding bridges with her on a foundation of betrayal, one tentative step at a time. A table full of Carthians who talked big but acted small.
“You’re a powerful woman.”
“You’re very domineering. I’m not used to being put in my place.”
“You’re looking particularly beautiful tonight.”
“One date. Just one.”
“Fine. You want to play games? I’ll play.”
She scowled. Screw you. Screw the lot of you. She lifted her chin. She had a cause, she had a calling, she had a purpose. She, more than anyone, had Faith, and hers was not some idle dream of a God who did not answer prayers, but a vision; a truth. As tangible and irresistible and undeniable as the open wounds that hid beneath those gloves and that choker.
But I would, she thought with a sudden gentleness. I’ve seen the Plan, I know what I must do here, to shape the world as it is meant to be and yet… I would. I would get in my car right now and leave it all behind, walk away from my family, from my friends, from my Domain, from my destiny… just to be with him. I would gladly travel to the ends of the earth and lose myself in him.
She had always had a plan for her death; every Child of Judas does. It’s one of those things that you don’t discuss, but you each know to be true. No Child of Judas dies at someone else’s whim, if they can possibly help it. They have a plan to take their own life first; to commit suicide a second time. That is just… the way of it.
But… she had never really had a plan for her life. She played a part in a greater Plan, of course, but that was not the same. Every possible path, every connection yet to be made; it was still within her grasp to alter the course of the future, to spit in the eye of Fate, to be one of the ones to choose the paths and destinies of others. She had been gifted something beautiful and rare, and so she was expected to play God with the unlives of Kindred and the lives of Kine, but with what insight? With what wisdom?
I don’t want to be special anymore, she mused with a heavy heart. Not if it will drive us apart. Her eyes drifted back across the room, wandering over each and every one of them. Some were part of the Plan. Some were not.
“One of these days, you're not going to make it back to me! You can't do that! You can't keep dancing with death... I -- I can't lose you. I don't know how.”
Not much longer. She would keep up the pretence for another half an hour, perhaps; wear the mask and pretend to be Madame Minister Darcy Blake, Primogen and Prince’s Harpy. Then she would steal away, back into his arms, and be just Darcy. His Darcy.
“I would try to be anything you wanted me to be, you know?”
He wouldn’t change her for the world, he had said, and yet she was changing for him. Every night. Perhaps he didn’t see that. But every night it was still His Darcy behind closed doors. None of you see me, she thought, her eyes glazing over. None of you know me.
She felt the cold, hard muscle of her heart squeeze tight within her chest.
But then. Neither does he.
I am his, he is mine, nothing is a lie for him. But he does not know, yet, everything that I am and have been.
And when he finally does… he might not want me anymore. The thought sank through her like lead.
But I would, she thought again. In a breath and a heartbeat, I would gladly travel to the ends of the earth for him, though I have neither left to give.
I can’t tell him. Her head span. I can’t risk losing him.
I won’t.
“You’re being very quiet, Madame Darcy.” Alex Fuller: always quick to jump down her throat at every cutting remark, every acerbic put-down, every petty squabble. Alex Fuller: wondering at her quietness, suspicious of her gentleness, thrown by her dwindling ferocity.
“We’ve a lot of new faces at Court. I’m keeping an eye on the room,” she lied. “Someone has to.”
I won’t lose him.
Even if it means lying to him.
Even if that’s what it takes to keep him.
I won’t.
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Date: 2011-01-31 06:35 pm (UTC)Reading these things even from the outside still gives me immense pleasure.
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Date: 2011-01-31 06:41 pm (UTC)I've been going through my old scenes and making transcripts of them all so I don't have to keep searching through old emails for things I once said - for continuity's sake - and I re-read our scene in Leeds like, literally, yesterday.
I do <3 this bloodline...