writing_shadows

Like Rosie, I remember the girlie nights we used to have. Aria would invite us all - Deyanira, Rosie, Opal (before she was Crystal), sometimes Zenica, Bryony, Catalina and Toad. Oh, and me, of course.

But I never felt like I belonged. There aren't many places I have felt like I belonged, but in that crowd of people who seemed to be so close, and to know what they were doing - or at least a very good idea of who they were, and who they wanted to be.

I didn't.

I think in a lot of ways I was still a little girl then. Not on the outside, but on the inside. I think that's what they wanted me to be - not just them, but everyone.

But you can't stop people from growing up. Not on This Side. And you shouldn't be able to.

I think it started when my family split up. Things got worse and worse, and the Domdaniel scared us all away, and I was so hurt, and I felt so betrayed by someone I thought loved me. So I ran away. I ran away and left people who needed me behind.

I think part of growing up might be letting people down.

Then Witte and Sam became my family, and I loved them with all my heart. I can't write that without tears coming from the well inside me, even though they both died very long ago. They were my family like my family Before were, guiding me and helping me grow. I am grateful for them more than I could have ever said, and I miss them so much.

And then there was Stitches.

He confused me so much at the start, and upset me, and hurt me. I ran from him to Sallow, and then back again. I couldn't stay away from him, and I didn't want to. I loved him. I hurt a lot of people because I loved him. He helped me grow, and I loved him so much. When he dissolve our heart's oath, I felt like dying. And then...

And then there was that day in London. That horrible, hateful day. It was wrong. And then...

I can't think about Goodenough. I think everything I did with him was wrong, but I can't think about him.

But I can't not think about him either. I can't. But now all I see of him is that cold body, the congealing blood in the arc across the wall, the-

I can't think about it.

I think that's when I stopped loving Stitches, although I didn't realise it. Or maybe I didn't. I still loved him. I don't know. Something changed between us, some chasm opened. We stayed together, but...it wasn't the same again.

Besides, I was...Lorica and I were beginning to become closer friends. I really, truly, honestly thought it was friendship until that night with Rhys.

Then Stitches died.

Then Sam died.

Then Mark and Dominic died.

Dominic died killing Mark. I told him to kill Mark.

That was a lot of growing up. I think my heart had growing pains for a long time after that. I think I would have lost myself completely if it weren't for Lorica. And the Breedsberries, but thinking about them makes me feel ashamed.

But Lorica. Lorica was my beacon of hope, my truest friend, my everything. How could I not fall in love with him? How could I not have been in love with him from the beginning?

How could I not, upon discovering that love, despair about losing it forever?

I wanted to focus on our future, but I knew we didn't really have one. I wanted to plan the wedding, to believe he would live until our wedding, but the hope was a small one.

Then my last family - hardly a family at all, we were so fractured - split up. It hurt so much to say it out loud, but not as much as it hurt not being as strong together as I knew we should be.

And then poor Aidan, after everything he suffered. At least he died happy. I'm glad for him.

And then Lorica. I couldn't even be with him. I didn't even have that. After all the talk about the war, to be so helpless again. That was the worst of it.

Or maybe the worst of it was the resignation.

Then Moorcroft, who had needed family, and had picked me. He died like he wanted to too, I'm sure of it.

And here I am, without.

Not without anyone, I don't mean that. Gale and Rosie and Snaggle and Nemoa, and all the people who have come to help at the Sit Down, and all the people who have been kind to me, they all help. I'm grateful for them.

I'm not trying to say my life is over.

What I'm trying to say is that my life - my life - is beginning.

It's all led to this, shaped me and moulded me until I am - finally - where Spring wants me to be.

I am able to stand up for them. I am able to fight for them. I am able to support them, to help them. I am able to lead them, if I need to (even though it still is harder than the rest).

I can. I want to. I do belong here. I belong to them, with them. I need to remember that. I want to remember that.

I am here for them.