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[castorlion.livejournal.com]

Memory circles, Ben felt, were an awful idea.

He'd originally thought a wake was quite a good idea of Izzie's - getting off his head was vaguely tempting, particularly with such a formalised excuse in place. He'd thanked her for organising it - it was a nice touch to bring together everyone that had lost someone in that sort of way. As it turned out, though, it hadn't been such a good day for him.

It had started much like many days recently - Ben had got out of bed in his room above the pub, distractedly made breakfast for himself and left enough for anyone that might be either in or around, although the house had been pretty empty since - well, it had been kind of empty for a week or two. Jay spent more time prowling around than being in - Ben hadn't seen him properly for slightly more than a fortnight now. Probably for the best at the moment, really.

He'd done some housework, hoovering around the house, carefully avoiding looking at the bedroom door he'd closed a day or two after getting the news. It was probably getting dusty in there, but he couldn't go in there at the moment. He kind of liked the idea of leaving it long enough that dust settled so thickly over everything that he couldn't see anything when he finally had to go in, couldn't get reminded of who wasn't there.

He'd been planning on going over to Rio and Holly's, to do some housework there and drop off the next two days' worth of meals, but he'd lost track of time - he'd found himself sitting on the floor by his bed looking through old pictures instead. He'd looked up, with no real idea of how long he'd been just sitting there, lost in old memories, and found himself late for the clutch meeting.

It had been a wierd meeting - as hard as he tried, he couldn't seem to put on his usual "bounce and cheek" face, squashed by what felt like a damp dull grey blanket over his thoughts and feelings. He'd struggled to stay awake a lot of the time, fighting against a sleepy apathy that made him just want to lie down and let the world happen without him. Most of the time had therefore passed in something of a grey blur - he'd talked to a new Uratha who wasn't saying everything, and got some information for Jay. Ben kept trying to find words to say to Jay about what was going on inside his head, but he couldn't seem to find it, and everytime he just sat there silently staring at Jay, Jay would put on his clutch alpha hat, and give Ben a job to do, each time playing the "I know I can rely on you" card. Jay might as well have been holding a sign saying "I'm keeping you busy so you won't fall apart" for all the subtlety the Hunter in Darkness actually had, but at least he was being a good manager and getting Ben to do things that actually needed doing.

He'd only balked once, when Jay had pointed across the room at Cat McKenzie.

"She was good friends with Lizzie Fitch" Jay had said, "So she's lost a close friend and needs someone to be caring and sympathetic at her."

Ben hadn't been able to face the thought of doling out condolences to a total stranger, however faked they would be, and had point blank refused. "I don't have it in me right now", he'd said, and Jay had just nodded and changed the subject.

There was the interview with Talk with the Streets, or whatever his name was. Ben had enjoyed that, sitting in a position of power as far as the Corporation's lackey had known, making demands on behalf of the Clutch of London that he knew were more than the Corporation could easily accept. He'd gone into the talk with the thought fixed firmly in his head that the Corporation didn't know the clutch wanted to throw in with the Corporation, and that it was going to stay that way until well after Ben had got a proper agreement hammered out. And, much to his surprise, he'd actually got somewhere. At least he'd achieved something with the day.

Izzie had started to get the memory circle organised, and Ben had suddenly realised that there was no way he could make it through without falling apart completely. He'd bolted for the door, but before he'd got away completely he'd bumped into someone who'd insisted on talking to him, and the next thing he knew Rio was standing behind him with a slightly insistent air.

"Ben Foster, are you coming to join this memory circle or not?"

He knew he should have said something to distract her. Possibly something comedic like oh look, it's the goodyear blimp to distract her, or something hideously thoughtless like why rush, it's not like they're getting any deader so he could run whilst she was shocked into silence. He'd opened his mouth to do just that, but looking at Rio's face, at what was looking more and more like a fragile shell, what actually came out was "Sure, give me a minute".

So it was that he'd found himself standing in a circle of people he only half knew, listening to them talk about dead people that he'd loved. He'd strained his memory for fun memories of Lennie and Jayne, had got a laugh or two, and just about managed to keep it together.

Then people had started talking about Janesca, and he'd had to fight to keep from running, or screaming at people

Stop talking about her like you knew her. Stop saying that you'll miss her. How can you miss her like I can?

and underneath that a treacherous voiice was whispering

-You- went away for three years. -You- didn't talk to her while you were gone. And then you came back, and she died! How much time did you waste?

And as time had gone on, he'd fought more and more to keep his knees from buckling, from sobbing. He'd have leaned against the person next to him for support, if it hadn't been Falling Snow (who even Jaynie had loathed). Instead, he'd sat there, aware that he was sinking into a tighter and tighter almost-ball, and somehow completely unable to fight against the pull of the gaping hole that his insides had become.

Afterwards, he'd gone over to Jay, unable to bear it any more. He'd wrapped his arms around Jay, and buried his face into Jay's neck. He'd started to crumple, and then realised that Jay had started to do the same thing. Jay needed him too.

So he'd straightened up, wiped the tears off, and given Jay a crooked half-smile before turning and walking out to find somewhere private to collapse for a little while before getting on with everything that needed doing.

Comments

[blane-firewing.livejournal.com]

Awww... He's so cute!

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

*bawls her eyes out*