writing_shadows

I never realized I was spread too thin until it was too late and I was empty within.
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin.
Downward spiral, where do I begin?
It all started when I lost my mother, No love for myself and no love for another.
Searching to find a love up on a higher level.
Finding nothing but questions and devils.

     I sometimes wonder who it is i'm really lying to. Theres an ugly truth about why i'm with Amanda and i've never really been sure wether it was my mind lying to me or half-formed instincts buried in the back of my mind. She beleived me and she was there for me. I'm terrified to tell her that she might be the crutch i used until i could walk on my own feet. I was starting to feel like we were drifting apart, like i didn't need her anymore that i had other people in my life that knew about the evils that lurked in the shadows of the world.
     I'm also terrified that it might just be my drug addled brain full of painkillers thats making me feel this way. Jesus, what the fuck is in this stuff anyway? I have to sit down because the worlds started spinning and my stomach feels like its turning inside out. God, i'm tougher then some stupid painkiller's right? I should have just pushed that stupid doctor out of the way and took my lumps like a man. Sure, i'd have been sore but i wouldn't feel like... The sudden realisation that the ceiling was the floor and the floor was the ceiling turned my stomach backwards and my body did the first thing that came to my mind, sending me scrambling for the toilet so i didn't ruin the new carpet by introducing it to my breakfast. Next thing i know i'm hunched over the toilet and i've got that taste in my mouth you get after you've just thrown up.
     I try to stand up and i'm rewarded with more of the same as my stomach cant handle the movement coupled with the fact i still had some breakfast inside me. Note to self: Bacon and Eggs don't taste all that great the second time around. I stay hunched over the toilet and pull the flusher so i don't have to put up with the smell thats making me dry heave. Luckily, my stomach is allready empty so i'm not given another repeat performance of earlier, instead i get a wonderfully agonising stomach cramp from where my body is trying to empty something thats allready empty.
     Isnt biology grand? After a while... damn, 5 minutes? 10? Its becoming hard to keep track of time, I stand up and thank my lucky stars i've got the reaction time of a lightningbolt. That wonderful thought is interupted by the fact i missed what i was reaching for as i was falling and i once again meet my eternal foe gravity in heated battle. Just in case it bares mentioning - I lose, hard. When my head turns back on... 15 minutes? 30 seconds? It barely matters anymore... I'm glad that the painkillers have at least left my ribs numb enough so that barely hurt. I get up - slower then last time, using the toilet to give me some balance.
     I manage to get upright (yay me?) and i stagger over to the sink to wash the acidic leftovers of however long ago it was i threw up out of my mouth, catching a look of myself in the mirror. Jesus christ i look like a mess, and thats not even including the fantastic colours my face is after the beating i took on sunday. I still won though, and that makes me smile in a half-dazed way.
     God damn these painkillers are messing me up, i swear the world has muted and gone fuzzy at the edges. Another dizzy spell has me gripping onto the sink and dropping the thankfully plastic cup i've been drinking out onto the floor inaudibly. My hearing goes batshit and it feels like all i can hear is that dull high pitched whines tv's make mixed in with this weird bubbling noise that i can only guess is the blood rushing around my head. I put my face against the mirror in front of me and oh god does that coolness feel nice against my skin. I didn't realise i was burning up but its obvious now. I open one of my eyes and all i can see is...
     Black. And i'm laying down again. The world isn't swimming and i don't hurt anymore. Small mercy i guess, but the first panicked thought i have is 'Why am i laying down. Oh shit, am i dead?'.Something like that, comes the responce. I cup my hands over my ears at how damn loud it is, but i realise that didn't come from outside my head. I get up on my feet and look up to see blackness all around, like some sort of huge, unlit underground cavern. No, not unlit i realise as i look at my feet. Until i see my own shadow i don't hear anything, but as soon as i realise there must be a fire behind me i can hear it. I turn around and fall unceremoniously back on my arse in terror.
     Its huge, towering. Its got to be at least 50 feet tall, a snake with the top half of a man sat atop an immense golden throne, its tail longer then i can even perceive. A huge pair of braziers at least the size and shape of trees in front of it. Its huge scaled arms held a ruby orb in one hand and the other held a chalice made of a gigantic human-like skull. It was filled with another ruby liquid, so i try not to think about that so hard. Its neck... well, necks now that i think about it reach up into the blackness so that i cant see its heads, a little mercy i suppose. Its scales are golden and shine red with the fires in front of it. Attractive in a way.
     Of course that alien thought in my head comes back, while another informs me that you do not get to make judgements upon me, speck. I feel my body start to shake when i hear/think that, or maybe it was the fact i just saw the movement of several huge things in the darkness above me. I swear at myself under my breath for showing weakness at something i cant even see properly and theres a sickening... contentness... that comes with it. The shapes above me dip down as i regain control of my body again and stand up in spite of the thing in front of me. A pair of snake heads, each the size of a large luxury car at the end of long necks that come down around me so i'm in an unescapable triangle of Head, Head, Body. Well, bang goes that idea then. One of the heads comes closer to me and i take a body-ward step backwards without thinking. Atop its skull rests a gold, jewel encrusted and feather decorated crown. I swear when i think i can see misty forms inside the gems set in it, screaming soundlessly.
     An alien sense of pleasure at my reaction to that invades my mind and i wish i could stop that from happening. I try to force those thoughts out of my head and i'm rewarded with Arrogant Laughter from a thousand voices that makes me fall down, uselessly holding my ears to try and block them out. I baulk at the sudden realisation that i Will do nicely and panic when the snake's head closest to me opens its mouth, like some arabian cave shaped in an animal form opening to let Alladin inside to reach the lamp hidden within. A forked tounge flicks out and barrels me over as it hits, sending me sprawling onto my back.
     I can do nothing but freeze, watching in terror as the tongue shifts and wobbles, becoming a huge pink snake itself. As this is happening, i barely register in the back of my mind that all around me, huge chunks of gold are falling and hitting the floor with no noise, like plastic cups full of water hitting my bathroom floor. The gigantic snake-thing is crumbling around me as the pink throat-snake becomes more animate, more alive. It darts for me and all i can do is scream, scream as loud as i can manage but i cant hear it. The snakes mouth is shut when it collides with my face - with my open mouth and i hear a crack as my jaw snaps open wider, agony as i realise that its dislocated messily by breaking.
     That thought lasts for a few seconds though, as another sickening one reaches me. The snake is pushing itself into my mouth, into my throat. My neck is swollen from the size of it - twice the thickness of a man's arm and pure muscle. I gag, choking. I cant breath i realise and i'm panicking. A lesser man might make comparisons to this and a certain sexual act that women perform, but my headspace just isnt there, even though somewhere in my mind is thinking it out of sheer panic. I feel like i'm going to burst as the thing's head reaches my stomach and i can still feel its body working its way in. Impossibly sized, fitting inside of me.
     I fall over, my hands on the ground that feels like the enamel on my sink and i'm reminded of all the retching i did earlier. I can feel the fucking thing curling up inside me as the last of its tail passes my lips and i fall down, face against the carefully polished mirror, and all i can see is black.
     The pupil of my eye. Thats all i can see, so i lean back away from the mirror. Suddenly i realise the world is the right way around again, and i get dizzy once more. I feel like i'm going to be sick again and the toilet is comfortably close this time, so i curl back in that position over the bowl and start to retch again. Wonderful.
     As it turns out, i did still have a little of my breakfast left inside me. I look at my hand - at the box of painkillers i was given after the fight. Fuck, this isn't the stuff i'm normally given. I could have sworn it was, and i realise that i'm probably having a bad reaction to it thats made me hallucinate so badly. I need to call the hospital. I stand up as best as i can and pull the chain on the toilet to get rid of everything i've just throw into it.
And fuck me, i could swear i saw the tail of a snake going down with it.