[Mortals] - Changes

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Jayne confused the hell out of me at first, although I knew from the first she would always be somone I could count on. Of course, I freaked out when she started hitting on me, probably because I was so committed to pretending that I didn't want to flirt back. I almost ran; to say that I'm glad I didn't would be an understatement.

I almost managed to screw things up completely, but I'm better now. Once, I think I was her teacher; now she is my rock and Anastasia is my Northern Star. Each time I do something crazy now it is for them, and each time I wonder if I'll lose them because of it; if my baby will be taken away by gods or I'll be trapped in a parallel universe. I don't know what I'd do without them, but I can't let that stop me, because I think now that I know what will happen if I don't act at all.

I hated Emma at first. She always seemed to be upsetting Jayne and I couldn't see why Jayne bothered spending time with her over and over again. It took a while to realise that what Emma did she did because she thought much the same about me.

She's kind of my hero now. I would gladly lose an arm for that woman, in a highly unlikely scenario in which the non-retention of one of my arms would confer a life-saving benefit on her.

I never thought of Mike as a joke, or as crazy, although I occasionally have to reassess that in the face of his insistence on finding rational explanations for things that honestly don't have them. He's true as English oak, with a good heart, and if I ever mistrusted him it was because his openness can blind him to the fuckwittery of others.

Anna... I tried. Maybe I tried too hard.

She still needs someone, but it isn't me anymore. I wish I could believe that it was Eva, but Eva never seems to be willing to say no to her King. I don't know if she even sees the problems. It was Eva who first proposed a model for the Fifth which involved collective purpose; I can't see why she falls in with Anna's cult of the self. It scares the hell out of me to see a woman who once joined with me in telling Val she couldn't save the world solo recriminating herself for being unable to save the world solo.

Anna doesn't seem to think about 'we' anymore; it's as though she's gone from thinking too little of herself to thinking too little of the rest of us. That makes me sad.

Eva looked like someone who was going to get hurt if she hung around with us for too long. She adapted well, and aside from the Anna thing - I hope I'm wrong and I hope that Eva can keep hold of Anna and keep her feet on the ground - she goes from strength to strength. My message tags were smart; using the pillar itself as a multi-dimensional whiteboard was genius.

Val remains as quixotic as ever, but has as yet failed to get herself - and perhaps more impressively, anyone else - killed.

George is actually a comfort to be around now, although I'm still not going to tell him that my daughter is the avatar of futurity.

Andy Beckett... When it happened, I don't know, but at some point after we exorcised him, he went from being that nutter we knew to a sage counsellor, and the multiversal nature of reality seems to support the idea that we've got a good 'un there.

Lewis... is Lewis. Always was, probably always will be.

And me... It's so hard to tell from within, but I'm sure that I have changed. I know that I believe where before I doubted. I know that I see patterns where before was chaos. I know that I have changed, and that I will do so again, all things being well.

A man once went to a wise sage. He was baffled by all the changes in his life and asked how he could find something solid and fixed and so be happy in life.

The sage said to the man: "I can tell you how to be happy in a changing world, but it will cost you seven pounds."

The man gave the sage a twenty-pound note. The sage put the note in his pocket and walked away.

"Wait!" the man demanded. "What about my advice and my thirteen pounds?"

"If you want to be happy in a world that is forever changing, do as I do," the sage advised. "Whatever life throws your way, always keep the change."