[Forsaken] - Monster
Jun. 1st, 2011 12:34 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
lslaw.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
writing_shadowsChallenge: Confessions
I'm finding it harder to look in the mirror these days.
I'm never quite sure who's going to be looking back, and I keep thinking that there's something behind me. Or is it just me?
I've always had to fight against my own anger, to struggle to control the beast inside me. It looks like small potatoes these days of course - flipping out occasionally when I'm tired or stressed hardly compares to the berserker fury of a nine-foot engine of pure destruction - but it's still in there and I wonder where that anger comes from.
Jala and Harm said... Well, mostly they told me how awesome they were, but in between the tales of awesomeness they did answer my question. I was conceived, borne and born in a mental institution, on a Wound, under the care of my creepy, Urbane Evil biological father. Maybe the rage is just a wolf-blooded thing, but maybe it's more; maybe there's a stain on my soul.
Six months ago, I'd never have given something like that a second thought. Things look different now and the possibility that I picked up an infection from the tainted ground of my birth, an infection that could be corroding the core of my being, isn't one I can just discount. Living among the Uratha, it's much easier to accept the existence of spiritual evil, and if not evil then certainly of something corrupting, selfish and hurtful.
What does this mean?
It means I fight harder.
Whatever pollution I may carry, I'm still me and I am going to carry on trying to do the right thing, pretty much until it kills me. Am I tainted? Did my biological dad do this to me? Well fuck him, and fuck the taint as well. It doesn't define me and he sure as Hell doesn't get any say in who I am.
But still... I'm finding it harder to look in the mirror these days.
I'm finding it harder to look in the mirror these days.
I'm never quite sure who's going to be looking back, and I keep thinking that there's something behind me. Or is it just me?
I've always had to fight against my own anger, to struggle to control the beast inside me. It looks like small potatoes these days of course - flipping out occasionally when I'm tired or stressed hardly compares to the berserker fury of a nine-foot engine of pure destruction - but it's still in there and I wonder where that anger comes from.
Jala and Harm said... Well, mostly they told me how awesome they were, but in between the tales of awesomeness they did answer my question. I was conceived, borne and born in a mental institution, on a Wound, under the care of my creepy, Urbane Evil biological father. Maybe the rage is just a wolf-blooded thing, but maybe it's more; maybe there's a stain on my soul.
Six months ago, I'd never have given something like that a second thought. Things look different now and the possibility that I picked up an infection from the tainted ground of my birth, an infection that could be corroding the core of my being, isn't one I can just discount. Living among the Uratha, it's much easier to accept the existence of spiritual evil, and if not evil then certainly of something corrupting, selfish and hurtful.
What does this mean?
It means I fight harder.
Whatever pollution I may carry, I'm still me and I am going to carry on trying to do the right thing, pretty much until it kills me. Am I tainted? Did my biological dad do this to me? Well fuck him, and fuck the taint as well. It doesn't define me and he sure as Hell doesn't get any say in who I am.
But still... I'm finding it harder to look in the mirror these days.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-06-01 01:07 pm (UTC)We should probably do some IC thing...
no subject
Date: 2011-06-01 01:21 pm (UTC)I'm waiting on the last of my downtime response just now - or they're waiting on something from me. Not sure; I should check.