[Mage] Snippets

[lslaw.livejournal.com]

In answer to annwfyn's post here.

Hi Jan

Long time no see.

I thought I should probably drop you a line.

Epona

Jan. It's been a long time since I heard that name; in my head I still hear it in her voice. For the past two months I have been steeling myself for this moment and it still takes me by surprise.

I take a long time to answer. I delete my own text when it's sent, I always do, and I realise I can't even remember what I wrote; some fluff that is less than she deserves. Certainly nothing about a memory of thyme, cruel fate and crueller folly; nothing about the hole in the heart of me.

Her response is suitably cutting, and it makes me smile. And then:

We need to talk.

And now I'm afraid, because she and I have only two things to discuss, and one will be painful to me and the other painful to her, and neither will be pleasant for either of us. And either will mean meeting her again. I have been steeling myself to meet her again for the last two months - in a way, I have been steeling myself for the last ten years - but I'm still not ready.

I loved her once and I think I broke her heart. For the longest time, I thought I might actually have killed her with my clumsy words.

I send another reply so pat that all real meaning in it is dead. For now, I don't dare to say anything I truly mean.