writing_shadows

(I've decided to use all words I had left for Charlotte, which are: civilisation, blood, love [given twice], astute, chirpy, artifice, lies, fear, servitude, power, and family.)

I must admit, I don't know much about my family. Not just my parents and any brothers or sisters I may have - Servitors do not stay with their immediate family, but in what might be considered a boarding school - but the Crassus in general. I know this: we are a proud bloodline, known for our taste and civilisation, often in servitude to those in power. It is the Crassus bloodline that made it possible for Conditioned Servitors to be created and maintained to the extent that they are.

I identify as - but not with - Crassus. At my Embrace, I didn't mourn for the loss of connection with my family, but for the loss of the familiar artifice upon which every part of myself had been created. I mourned for the loss of my identity, for the familiar lies I could tell myself as well as others.

I still mourn, perhaps. I must admit, I now enjoy being a vampire. Drinking blood...I don't believe I have the words to express precisely what I mean. I like the sensation, and the lack of attachment to my prey.

I may have been absolved of my addiction, but I fear I shall never forgo my love of blood.

Am I still me? I don't know. I am me. I don't know if that is a "still." Among the qualities I was made with (aside from an appealingly chirpy attitude) was a mental and emotional (perhaps even moral, I don't yet know) flexibility. There has always been more to me than any one person has seen. More than even the most astute person has.

More, even, than I have.

I will arm myself with that knowledge and that power. My family may have abandoned me, and I may have abandoned my desire to serve, but I will never abandon the knowledge and skills that being a Conditioned Servitor gave me.