Thoughts about names in Mage

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

When I was Brigid I was a bright, ambitious soul who burned with the certainty of youth that I knew how my life would be. I had it all planned out. I was going to be the one who made the next great discovery; like Sutton Hoo or Tutankhamen’s tomb. I would be the one who found the key to understanding Atlantis. I would be the one who worked out Arch Mastery and would teach the world to follow me.

When I was Judas I was scared and guilt stricken for years. I refused to let go of the past; and I refused to think of the future. At my very worst I was teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit and nearly stepped over so many times. I was certain that I the one who was to blame; and nothing I could do would change the past.

Eventually Judas was comfortable and well worn; like a favourite jumper. I refused to see the patches; or notice the moth holes. I didn’t notice that I was changing; evolving through experience. It took Rune to; brutally at times; point out that my guilt was acting as a tether not a shield. Peace to help me rebuild that which I’d torn apart. So many friends and lovers all doing a bit to change my perspective. And losses; losses that I mourned and missed but that I didn’t regret.

May is someone who is uncertain in the most gloriously way. The future may be uncertain; but I know I’m going to have one and I’m going to live every moment of it – good or bad. I’m not going to seek to find out what my child will become except through watching him grow up. I don’t know who I’m going to meet or share my life with; and so open to new ideas and experiences as they come. I’m aiming to explore boundaries I once thought were immutable. I have a confidence that whatever life throws at me, I will cope with it.

Some things about me haven’t changed. I’m still poly and can’t imagine being monogamous. I’m still happy to teach whether it’s how to fling a fireball without singeing your eyebrows off; or how to put a condom on. However I’m determined to learn the things I once was so absolutely positive I would never learn or change.

And although my latest lesson’s fruit was a little wonky when I took it out of the oven; and I made far too much frosting for it – which meant Robin was forced to help mummy lick out the bowl. But it didn’t burn this time; and it wasn’t still slightly raw in the middle. It was completely edible – just not factory perfect; which is what you want for home made.

I served my chocolate cake for supper and grinned as Rune teased me about how terrible it was; whilst eating his second slice.

May is going to be someone who can cook – or at least cook enough to stop living on take out and sandwiches. I looked at the calendar with a speculative eye. I’d circled a date in September and was planning to ask Jupiter nicely to have a word with the weather. It would still be early enough in autumn to have a party on the beach with a picnic and silly party games.

May is going to be a mummy who can make her son’s birthday cake; and I was determined that by then I wouldn’t end up with Pandora reassuring me when I phone her up in a panic that the mixture’s curdled.

Although I may need some help if I discover that my son wants something more fancy than a caterpillar cake ...