(Requiem) Anywhere I lay my head I'm going to call my home. (October challenge)

[akonken.livejournal.com]

I laughed. "Perhaps I truly am a wandering Gangrel now."

I have a home - a number of homes, really, thanks to my 'coming out' gifts - and can sleep in the dirt if I must. I can pass for human if I want. In these ways, the risk is not great.

This does not stop me being terrified.

I was there in the fight with the Hunters. I put on a brave, aggressive face and threatened our captive, despite still being quite shaken at the slaughter I'd watched. The whole situation made me sick to my stomach (a psychosomatic feeling, I know), and I wished as I helped drag the cooling bodies into the basement that my family would still speak to me and help me; that they would edit these memories, as they had always done with those incompatible with my programming.

I have become distracted. As I was saying, I was there. They have seen me. I know they know Markus. I don't know if they know where he lived. Where we lived. I know they've followed Markus. I don't know if they've followed me.

So I stay away.

I am lucky; with my employment, I have somewhere to stay half the week. It seems very secure. It is comfortable enough. I know my employer is using me - knew, even before the warnings - but it is not in a way that is incompatible with my using him. Our relationship is satisfactory to me, for the moment.

However, I am mindful of who his 'family' are. I am mindful that members of my own bloodline have caused them grievous harm, and I am not entirely sure that things are as over as they appear. I am aware that this could be a ruse, that they could, at any moment, kill me for the sins of my fathers. I will not feed here, and sleeping here any days that I am not scheduled to makes the thing that used to be my heart flutter like a caged bird in my chest. It may all be a trap, and if it is, I am doomed.

The rest of the time...

Some of my former employers have been very generous and let me stay with them, too. I love them for it, a little. I feel safer with them, although this too may be illusory. I am calmer. But I am also aware that I am burdening those who have already done so much for me. I do not want to overstay my welcome.

Will I ever have a true home again? I don't know. And that frightens me.