Memories and Desires (Lost)

[autumn-skald.livejournal.com]

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[IC] More Toby Thoughts

[maakeff.livejournal.com]

OK.

SO, I’m living with Sarah now. Except she’s working and has a life, and I have an army of birds and an Elemental to look after that won’t say a word. Fucked over by another changeling, no less – damn, this shit makes me angry…

And I have sweet FA. I have whatever cash I can get out of tawdry, basic Contract use, I have a deranged Pirate Captain with a ship stuck on a hill in the hedge and his Hob crew, and Secret Project (so labelled in case Sarah robs my notebook – unlikely, but I can’t take the risk).

I have a Fetch that owns my name and my place in the world. I’m not sure I want that place back, but, you know, it rankles anyway.

I’m worrying that Summer might suit me, and that I may have chosen wrong… but hey, gotta have something to occupy myself with once all the revenge is dished out. It’s just a passing thing, until everyone that wronged me and mine have paid. In their blood. Besides, I don’t go in for all this punching stuff – I’ve had enough close-contact violence to glut me for one lifetime, thanks a lot you True Fae fuckers.

She hasn’t got a library. I’m actually disturbed by this. She used to devour books… This world is just wrong. I wonder if this is something I’ll get used to, or if it’ll forever be wrong? And she drapes herself over everyone! Not to mention the way she acts with that “Carin” guy… He sends a chill up my spine every time I see him, and remember what I saw in what’s left of his soul, and see him with my sister.

GYAAHH!!!

I hate this!!!

I don’t know what to do!!!

I’m so bored, with so much to do and spend time on, and not a clue what the right course is or where I belong! And no-one can help me. And no-one will help me, they’re all so obsessed with their own problems and not taking the time to look around and see…

…

OK, so I just realised the stupidity of that last bit. What a fucking tosser that makes me.

But I can’t help anyone. Can I? Do I want to?

Does it matter if I want to or not? Stupid question – of course it doesn’t matter. If I can do something to help someone, I have a responsibility to do it.

The question becomes… “What can I do?”

Answers on a postcard to…