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writing_shadows2012-05-01 11:38 am
annwfyn.livejournal.com) wrote in writing_shadows2012-05-01 11:38 am
Entry tags:
Dreams
Last night I dreamed about Korsten.
I dreamed that he came to see me one more time only in my dreams he was the man I first met in America, eight years ago. I walked across the courtyard to him and put my arms around his waist. He smelled of wood smoke and I could feel his heart racing when I touched him.
“I love you,” I said, although I’ve never said that to anyone. Still, in my dreams, I said it to him, and I knew in that moment that I meant it. I knew that I had belonged to the son of Skolis Ur since before I was born, down to my very bones, as much as he belonged to me.
But when I looked up so he could kiss me, he looked sad and turned away.
“What is wrong?” I said, because I could feel him shiver and I swear he wanted to kiss me.
“I’m dead,” he said, and stepped away, and I saw then that he was. His skin was white as bone, and there was a horrible great hole over his heart, where it looked as if someone had skewered him. “I was always dead,” he continued. “I was dead when I first kissed you. “
“So why did you ever kiss me?” I said, and I could feel this sudden rush of anger welling up inside me. “Why did you look at me that way? Why did you kiss me and why did you fuck me and why did you go away?”
“You were there,” he said, with a faint flicker of a smile. “You came to me, remember? And I’m just a man. “
In my dream, I was starting to cry, although I hardly ever cry in real life. But now all the tears were welling up inside me.
“I’m Imnir,” he said softly. “I’m Rahu. We only ever step foot on this earth for a little while,” and I realized that the horrible huge wound in his chest had opened up, and his blood had begun to spill all over me.
“Please don’t die,” I said, and he laughed and shook his head. Then he stepped away, and although I wanted to, I couldn’t touch him, because Ivory Claws are forbidden from touching the dead.
“Captain Mal is waiting,” he said and grinned. “we will all go together when we go,”
Storm clouds gathered up above, and he didn’t look around as he walked away. I didn’t chase after him, but I didn’t move away either, even when it started to rain.
He reached the edge of the yard, just as the lightning lit up the sky, and it seemed for a moment that he was joining a great band of men, all clad in the same cloud coloured garments. He turned back once and looked at me, and I realized it wasn’t Korsten at all, but someone entirely different. He shouted something back to me, but I couldn’t hear it over the roar of the thunder. It was then that I began to run, although I didn’t know why. I just knew I needed to get across the yard, I needed to get there before the Storm Lords vanished. I slipped on the blood, and fell to my knees, and then slid again on the mud as I was struggling to get up. The rain was falling more and more heavily now, and I couldn’t even see the war band where they stood at the edge of the yard.
“Wait!” I screamed, and scrabbled to my feet again, with the rain driving into my face. “Wait!” I screamed once more and began to run again, scrabbling across the cobblestones and splashing through puddles. I couldn’t see properly, and I knew they were about to go.
I woke up, with a sudden jolt.
I was alone in my bed.
My heart was racing and I couldn’t breathe properly. The room felt very very cold and outside I could hear the rain pounding on my window, as if it wanted to break its way into my room. For the first time since Korsten had died I wanted to scream. I tried to get out of bed, but my legs were tangled up in the duvet and I ended up stumbling and half falling to the floor beside my bed, which was the point I did start to cry.
I haven’t cried since Korsten died, but I cried last night. I cried for him, and for every other stupid bastard wolf who had died and was going to die. I cried for the idiot brave boys on Dartmoor, for Captain Mal who had been kind to me, for Michele who was no kind of warrior but went anyway, for their War Leader who told me how he’d kill me. I cried for them all, and I cried for me, and the rain kept me company against the window.
Finally, in the small hours of the morning, I got up and went downstairs. I had a glass of mead, which made me cough, and washed my face. I lit a fire in the grate and whispered prayers until I felt one of the household spirits come near me, which soothed me a little. I made a few more prayers then, for those I do not want to mourn, and I made a nest on the sofa for myself with blankets and pillows.
I curled up to doze, half fearing and half hoping for another dream; half fearing and half hoping that I’d see Korsten again. But no dreams came. I closed my eyes, but I saw no one and instead only fell into a shallow and restless sleep that lasted until the dawn.
I dreamed that he came to see me one more time only in my dreams he was the man I first met in America, eight years ago. I walked across the courtyard to him and put my arms around his waist. He smelled of wood smoke and I could feel his heart racing when I touched him.
“I love you,” I said, although I’ve never said that to anyone. Still, in my dreams, I said it to him, and I knew in that moment that I meant it. I knew that I had belonged to the son of Skolis Ur since before I was born, down to my very bones, as much as he belonged to me.
But when I looked up so he could kiss me, he looked sad and turned away.
“What is wrong?” I said, because I could feel him shiver and I swear he wanted to kiss me.
“I’m dead,” he said, and stepped away, and I saw then that he was. His skin was white as bone, and there was a horrible great hole over his heart, where it looked as if someone had skewered him. “I was always dead,” he continued. “I was dead when I first kissed you. “
“So why did you ever kiss me?” I said, and I could feel this sudden rush of anger welling up inside me. “Why did you look at me that way? Why did you kiss me and why did you fuck me and why did you go away?”
“You were there,” he said, with a faint flicker of a smile. “You came to me, remember? And I’m just a man. “
In my dream, I was starting to cry, although I hardly ever cry in real life. But now all the tears were welling up inside me.
“I’m Imnir,” he said softly. “I’m Rahu. We only ever step foot on this earth for a little while,” and I realized that the horrible huge wound in his chest had opened up, and his blood had begun to spill all over me.
“Please don’t die,” I said, and he laughed and shook his head. Then he stepped away, and although I wanted to, I couldn’t touch him, because Ivory Claws are forbidden from touching the dead.
“Captain Mal is waiting,” he said and grinned. “we will all go together when we go,”
Storm clouds gathered up above, and he didn’t look around as he walked away. I didn’t chase after him, but I didn’t move away either, even when it started to rain.
He reached the edge of the yard, just as the lightning lit up the sky, and it seemed for a moment that he was joining a great band of men, all clad in the same cloud coloured garments. He turned back once and looked at me, and I realized it wasn’t Korsten at all, but someone entirely different. He shouted something back to me, but I couldn’t hear it over the roar of the thunder. It was then that I began to run, although I didn’t know why. I just knew I needed to get across the yard, I needed to get there before the Storm Lords vanished. I slipped on the blood, and fell to my knees, and then slid again on the mud as I was struggling to get up. The rain was falling more and more heavily now, and I couldn’t even see the war band where they stood at the edge of the yard.
“Wait!” I screamed, and scrabbled to my feet again, with the rain driving into my face. “Wait!” I screamed once more and began to run again, scrabbling across the cobblestones and splashing through puddles. I couldn’t see properly, and I knew they were about to go.
I woke up, with a sudden jolt.
I was alone in my bed.
My heart was racing and I couldn’t breathe properly. The room felt very very cold and outside I could hear the rain pounding on my window, as if it wanted to break its way into my room. For the first time since Korsten had died I wanted to scream. I tried to get out of bed, but my legs were tangled up in the duvet and I ended up stumbling and half falling to the floor beside my bed, which was the point I did start to cry.
I haven’t cried since Korsten died, but I cried last night. I cried for him, and for every other stupid bastard wolf who had died and was going to die. I cried for the idiot brave boys on Dartmoor, for Captain Mal who had been kind to me, for Michele who was no kind of warrior but went anyway, for their War Leader who told me how he’d kill me. I cried for them all, and I cried for me, and the rain kept me company against the window.
Finally, in the small hours of the morning, I got up and went downstairs. I had a glass of mead, which made me cough, and washed my face. I lit a fire in the grate and whispered prayers until I felt one of the household spirits come near me, which soothed me a little. I made a few more prayers then, for those I do not want to mourn, and I made a nest on the sofa for myself with blankets and pillows.
I curled up to doze, half fearing and half hoping for another dream; half fearing and half hoping that I’d see Korsten again. But no dreams came. I closed my eyes, but I saw no one and instead only fell into a shallow and restless sleep that lasted until the dawn.