[Lost] Weekender - 3 Words - Before, Guilt, Regret.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_crimsonearth/]

For hardwired  - though I guess this touches on a bunch of other people too. :)

[Edit: I decided since at this rate, there might be too many to read them all, I should flag them up to the people who they might interest - so, also - bakela666 :) ]

He wrapped me in his arms, and for a little while we just cried. No words. The world ground to a halt, the darkness closing in. I felt him shiver and pressed my face to his shoulder. Then, apologies tumbling from our lips, but no comfort, no pretence that it would be okay. He was so alone, so cold, and I knew – I saw him on that rooftop, with moonlight streaming through him as I bled and I know the darkness that they linger in, the shadows they become.

He had told me to live. Before he died, he said I had to fight, to live. That he wanted so much for me to live, to find a way to pull myself back. And how much it hurt that he couldn’t be there with me, to see me through.

I am not afraid of death. Not mine, anyway. Just theirs. I carried with me the regret that I was too stubborn, too proud, too scared… to tell him I did love him. That for everything I said, all the times we turned it over like a hot coal between us, dodging and hurting and avoiding – that I lied. That I had lied and he had left this world before I could rectify it. And so this time… this time I did say it. Because, I realised that was my closure. That was the guilt that burned in my gut when I had collapsed into Snaggle’s warmth and affection, when I wept on Rose’s shoulder, when I took Lucan back to my cave, back to our bed. And every night that I end on a bottle of vodka or wine, shivering in the darkness. That was my burden.

So, yes. I cried. I wept. I didn’t care who saw. Sometimes Winter loves too. And by God, if anyone is entitled to sorrow, it is us.

And then, Mac took the easy route out. To not live. To not fight. To follow a shadow into the dark.

And so I made a choice. I made a choice when I took Rex to my bed.

I choose to live.

I choose to fight.

No guilt. No regret. No more shadows.